- Albert Tiong
We often hear partners in a loving relationship finding themselves getting into disagreement and even argument. At times, the emotions get so high that we lose the ability to control our words or actions, inevitably causing hurt to the other person. Romantic relationships bring us happiness but they also test us, mainly because we become so dependent on the partner’s continuing love, kindness, patience, understanding, compromise, or whatever qualities we expect of them. The fear of feeling hurt makes us more reactive and that could damage what is important to us.
With regular practice, mindfulness can help us to achieve calm, it helps to prevent automatic reactions which often leads to quarrels. And because mindfulness encourages empathy, it also lets couples understand each other better as we learn to observe in a non-judgement way.
The following is a guideline on how to achieve long-lasting loving relationships through mindfulness:
1. Discuss and explain appropriately - When your partner shows emotions, don’t try to make them feel even worse. Show your empathy, explore and share the emotions together. Ask sensitive questions to help you both understand each other’s point of view.
2. Accept Change - Don’t imagine that your partner should remain as he was when you met. We all change over time due to circumstances in life. They are still that same person, just in a different stage of their lives.
3. Be Equal - In our culture, men are often seen as superior compared to women. Times have changed and women today deserve to be equal. The inability to compromise often leads to disagreements and fights between couples. If you feel you are the more superior person within the relationship, bring yourself down to the same level.
4. Be yourself - Mindfulness trains you to be your true and real self. Your relationship does not need to follow any standards, and you also do not need to compare your relationship with other couples. What is important is that your relationship is rooted in loving kindness.
5. Learn from feedback - When couples argue, most of the time both sides become defensive. Be open and listen carefully to what your partner tells you honestly about how they feel. Stop, absorb and analyse the message they give you. Ask yourself what is the most positive and loving way to respond. Don’t forget to thank your partner for their honesty.
6. Try new things together - Make time to share new experiences with each other. When you try new things, make an effort to talk about them, and if the experience is pleasant and enjoyable, make plans to do it again.
7. Prioritise with awareness - We are so often distracted by technology that we do not even make an effort to pay attention to our partner. It is like everything else is more important than our partners - work, phone, friends. There is always time for your work, replying to that message, or checking Facebook, or playing those games on your phone. Imagine your partner looking forward to spending quality time with you but you are more preoccupied with something else. How would that make your partner feel? Make your partner feel that they are more important.
8. Observe with awareness - Do you really know what makes your partner happy? What do they like? What do they want? Spend some time observing without judgement about their preferences and tastes, and give them surprises occasionally.
9. Empathise - For any relationship to flourish, partners must strive to understand each other’s needs, desires, priorities, feelings… etc. Be aware of small details like they may be waiting for your call because they are worried about you. If they worry too much, it can lead to anxiety for your partner. Anxiety causes stress, which leads to other health problems including difficulty in sleeping. Being able to think about them is to understand them too, and that is important for any relationship to last.
If you want to take your relationship one step further, you can try this mindfulness practice with your partner. This practice is about gazing into each other’s eyes, which is to promote mutual acceptance and closeness.
1. Both you and your partner sit straight, facing one another. Arrange your seating positions so that your faces are about one metre apart.
2. Look intently at each other’s eyes, and accept without acting on any feeling of unease. It may feel strange in the beginning. Each of you should remain attentive to your experience. You should not communicate, but observe your own feelings. Do this for a few minutes.
3. Now, look deeper into each other’s eyes. Imagine that behind the eyes is the person. You are not just looking, but you are now connecting. Do this for a few minutes.
4. Finally, while still looking deep into each other’s eyes, think of the goodness about your partner - what do you love about them, and at the same time, think about what is good about yourself also. Spend a few minutes appreciating this loving connection unique to this relationship.
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